we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize