Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
