I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Randomize
