I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize