hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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