When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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