no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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