I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Still dying that you shit outside
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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