Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just high enough for therapy.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
