remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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