i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He better not be in your backpack
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
