My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
