I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
i've created a new STD.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
