I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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