Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
