I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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