I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
