I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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