Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
