Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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