we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
She needs sedatives and a leash
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
