So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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