I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
