Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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