I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
