Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
