I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
