ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
