do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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