is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
