I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
