ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
