I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
