don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
