i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
