Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
