seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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