They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
the liver wants what the liver wants
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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