moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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