A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize