My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
