I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
