by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
