Rock
Scissors
Fuck
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
