I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
