You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
This show inspires me to have sex in space
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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