I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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