I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
