she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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