when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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