i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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