My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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