She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
