im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
