my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I fill condoms, not promises.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize