apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
