Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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