This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
