how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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