in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize